What is your Parenting Personality Type?
When you lose your cool with your child, how do you respond?
If you are primarily an Authoritative Parent (AP) you are seen as action oriented, in a hurry, bossy, commanding, efficient, disciplined, independent, quick, decisive and when you engage in conversation, you tend to quickly see the point or draw a conclusion. At times, your fast-paced, logical approach to problem solving is exactly what your child is needing. At other times, your child would rather have you listen. Your stretch assignment is to deeply listen to your child without trying to draw a conclusion or provide a solution. This will be uncomfortable for you and maybe even painful at times. For example, during the first few seconds your child is sharing with you, respond with an encouraging nod, eye contact and body posturing that is open and supportive. This shows your child that you are interested in what they are saying. Then use verbal phrases like “share more”, “that’s interesting” and/or “I understand”. Let your child work out their own conclusion to their problem.
A heads up…your child will NOT be used to you letting go and listening in this manner. Sit with them. Be quiet. Give it time. You are changing a pattern. They may still stay silent and be a bit dumbfounded as to what to do or say next. Allow them the space for this new a-ha.
When you reach your maximum stress point your tendency is to control them. Know that this will happen and don’t beat yourself up for it. This is your default.
The label of the Authoritative Parent (AP) is not negative. This is a method of being in the world. Versatility can always be in the space and the AP can grow and evolve.
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A Go-Along Parent (GAP) tell-tale sign is "Whatever you need. I give-in. Our relationship means more to me than imposing a firm boundary." The GAP parent places a HIGH priority on the relationship with their child. They achieve objectives with understanding and mutual respect vs force and authority. They accept authority from another person (i.e., your child) and power over is not an objective for them. The GAP parent moves slowly and are undisciplined with their time because they wish to take time to share feelings with their child. This can be difficult for the GAP parent to get back to the tasks / work at hand. The GAP parent likes to stay comfortable with the known and avoid acitivites that involve risk - especially risk with an interpersonal relationship. (i.e., your child!)
How does this translate to your parenting?
If you are primarily a Go Along Parent (GAP) you are seen as supportive, friendly, helpful, kind, team-oriented, soft-hearted, easy going and willing to join-in when asked to complete a task at hand. The GAP will want to take their time and be sure everyone is satisfied. If you find yourself “giving-in” to your child too much, it’s time to hold a boundary, lovingly yet firmly. This will be uncomfortable for you at first yet in the long run very satisfying. For example, when it’s time to brush teeth / get off the screens, etc., you communicate the boundary with economy and clarity and hold firm to your decision. You are making this decision for a reason. Don’t doubt yourself. Be directive. If you are not directive, it’s likely that your child will not take you seriously.
A heads up…your child will NOT be used to you being directive and following through. They will push back; it’s inevitable. Know this. You are changing a pattern. Give it time. Breathe. They may lash out at you. They may ignore you. Lovingly keep at them. Along with verbal clarification, leave them a note of your request. You are creating mutual respect in the space that will serve them for a lifetime.
When you reach your maximum stress point your tendency is to give-in / acquiesce to them. Know that this will happen and don’t beat yourself up for it. This is your default.
The label of the Go Along Parent (GAP) is not negative. This is a method of being in the world. Versatility can always be in the space and the GAP can grow and evolve.
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How does this translate to your parenting?
If you are primarily the Detailed Parent (DP) you are seen as thoughtful, wanting more facts, quiet, critical, logical, cool towards others, thorough, distant and may have several firm convictions but may hesitate to announce them to others, especially in an emotional way. You may feel very strongly about a rule you hold and may explain things to your child in a factual, logical, methodical way void of feelings. You state all the reasons they need to follow this value and your way tends to be the “right” way. When sharing with your child, your stretch assignment will be to integrate feelings into your reasoning. For example, could you please quiet down inside the home, I feel overwhelmed and confused when there is too much noise and I then tend to get angry. I don’t want my anger to spill out on you. Or, when you don’t listen to me, I feel disrespected and it brings me back to my childhood when I felt no one listened to me. For the DP, this is a huge game changer. You are admitting that you are human. You are bringing feelings into the space with your child. They can connect with you on a deeper level. This is a VERY important action step to take as a DP. Please understand the gravity of how sharing emotionally can truly change your home life.
A heads up…your child will NOT be used to you sharing from your heart. They won’t know exactly what to say at first. You have cultivated the courage to share and you are modeling emotional intelligence (EQ) to them. This is a gift!
When you reach your maximum stress point your tendency is to avoid them. Know that this will happen and don’t beat yourself up for it. This is your default.
The label of the Detailed Parent (DP) is not negative. This is a method of being in the world. Versatility can always be in the space and the DP can grow and evolve.